When You Regret Adopting Your Dog: Don't Worry, It Gets Better.
- Liz Weiner
- Sep 16
- 7 min read
Updated: Oct 7
You might be surprised to know there is a phenomenon known as the “puppy blues.” It refers to feelings of depression, anxiety, or overwhelm while adjusting to life as a pet parent. You went into pet ownership assuming it would be pure bliss, but it’s turning out to be a nightmare (or at least a really bad dream you can’t wake up from).
The thing is, these “blues” can arise anytime a new pet is introduced into your life, and perhaps even more so when that new pet is an adult. Feeling discouraged at times is a normal part of pet ownership and does not mean you are failing at it. You and your new pet literally just met, and here you are, bypassing the getting-to-know-you period and moving in together. In any other scenario, this would not be considered the healthiest start to a long-term relationship.
You imagined pet ownership would be a magical experience, so you can’t understand why you find yourself frustrated and maybe even regretful. Well, for starters, life as you know it has just been turned upside down. Your entire routine is changed, as you are now responsible for an animal that depends on you for all its needs. Then stack on annoyances like destroying your furniture, potty accidents, and constant barking. It’s exhausting. Of course, you’re wondering why you did this to yourself.
As with any significant loss or change, there’s a certain mourning felt for our former life. It’s understandable to miss the life you lived last week when you peacefully slept through the night and didn’t wake up to a ransacked trash can on your kitchen floor.
My advice to new pet parents is to enter into your new relationship intentionally. When I say “new” pet parents, I mean new to parenting that particular pet. You can be a seasoned pet parent and still fall into the trap of unrealistic expectations, and sometimes even more so because of your past experiences. This is especially true when you bring a new pet into your life after losing the comfortable companion you've spent the last decade with.
Before bringing New Pet home, check your expectations and keep in mind that relationships take time to develop. By simply acknowledging that there may be challenges as you get to know each other, you are better prepared to cope and hopefully prevent a total meltdown at the first sign of friction in the relationship.
And yes, there are times when that spark is immediate, and it feels like you’ve been together your entire life. Everything goes smoothly, and you’re madly in love. I had that connection with my very first dog. As much of a blessing as it was, it’s also been a curse because it set my expectations way too high for every subsequent dog that came into my life.
Here’s the thing to tattoo in your mind and set to auto-play: The way a pet acts in a new environment is not indicative of who they are. Give them time to show you who they can be.
Think of it from your pet’s point of view — They may have lived in several previous homes, and during the “unknown-to-us” periods of their lives, they’ve developed ingrained habits and tendencies shaped by their experiences. Or maybe they’re a puppy and haven’t learned how to be in the world. Those first few days/weeks/months are hard. In the midst of the chaos, pet owners often make the rash decision to return the pet without ever having given it a chance. Even the most experienced, well-intentioned, loving pet parents can become overwhelmed by challenging behaviors.
A few years ago, I was ready to give up my newly adopted dog after three days. When I met Fred at his foster home, he hopped up beside my husband and me on the couch and leaned in for pets and gave us gentle kisses. We got to know him for about ten minutes, and then took him home. A few hours later, he snapped at me when I came near the bully stick I had just given him. On our first walk, he lunged and ferociously barked at other dogs, bikes, and delivery trucks. And although he seemed unbothered by my husband at the meet, he didn’t care for men, including his new dad. Understandably, I was distraught and questioning what I had gotten myself into. I frantically texted his foster mom just that. Thankfully, instead of snatching him back from this ungrateful pet mom, she gave me some training suggestions that put me on track to work with him, and I found my panicked mind slowing down a bit. She gave me hope, and what a gift that was. She wasn’t shaming me as others in her situation understandably may have, but she was normalizing my experience. I found myself extending that same compassion toward Fred by putting myself in his shoes and trying to harness understanding in place of frustration.
It never occurred to me to pause and think about the major transition Fred had just gone through. He had lived with a family, got lost or abandoned, landed in a shelter, only to be pulled by a rescue and placed in a foster home. And now, yet again, he’s suddenly thrust into (what he doesn't know is) his new, forever new life with complete strangers. If I were in that situation, I probably wouldn't be presenting as my best self either. Meanwhile, here I was, expecting him to seamlessly merge into the texture of our lives, as if he’d been there all along.
Keeping Fred was one of the best decisions of my life. When I think back to those first few days when I contemplated returning him, it pains me to imagine my life without him. Don’t get me wrong — he didn’t magically turn into the dog that checked all of the imaginary boxes in my head, but with training and patience, he developed manners and learned skills to better regulate his emotions. And I learned to accept his temperamental level baggage. No amount of training will get him to like me being near his food, so I stay away from it; problem managed. I was taking it as a personal attack when it was simply an instinctual reaction. Fast-moving objects still anger him, but he settles quicker, composes himself, and moves on. Aren’t we all just on a never-ending path of self-improvement?
As for my other dog, Ethel, the first few weeks she was with us, she was remarkably shy, so I was surprised to see that, in a few weeks, she had become quite the social butterfly. Knowing what I know now, Ethel was never baseline shy — she was terrified and shut down after being taken from the life she knew and placed into a variety of situations until she landed in our family. She just needed some time to find her footing and feel safe, and when she had that, her true personality began to come out.
We need to remember that, like children, puppies come into our lives knowing nothing about how to be in the world, and there are adult dogs that may have learned the wrong way to be in the world. Like any good parent, it's up to us to provide them with that opportunity to grow.
So take some deep breaths to quiet your mind (all those “what-ifs” aren't helping anyone), contact a professional, foster patience, give it time, and, most of all, remember that you are not the only one who is feeling overwhelmed. Not only can training provide a dog with essential skills, but it can also improve your bond. I liken it to couples counseling: all parties need to work on their stuff, and that includes the human learning how to be a pet parent. Don’t give up before you get to the best part. And if professional training isn’t in your budget, I've included my favorite free training resources at the end of this article.
With that said, I won’t sugarcoat it. Sometimes, even after giving it your best try, there are irreconcilable differences. A dog that is terrified of loud noises and quick movements probably won’t do well in a home with three boisterous children under the age of five. Or maybe your dog is aggressive, and despite the gains he has made, it’s not a safe situation. You should not have to live in fear just because some people preach that “pets-are-for-life-do- anything-to-make-it-work” mentality. Sometimes, you give it your all, and it doesn’t work out. You shouldn’t be shamed for that. While symptoms can improve, animals have temperaments that we cannot just train out of them. If you’re feeling stuck in your relationship, I recommend consulting with a professional who can assess your situation and provide guidance.
My behavior guru is Kate LaSala of Rescued by Training. I am not paid to endorse her (not to mention my audience is way too small for that even to be an option for me). In addition to training, she offers consultations on rehoming and behavioral euthanasia. She has literally rescued thousands of pet-parent relationships, but will also be honest if she feels a situation isn't workable. She provides a wealth of free downloadable resources on pet parenting. Knowledge is the most powerful tool we can have, so take advantage of the resources she shares so generously. Adopt-A-Pet is another excellent resource for behavior and training advice, as well as supportive articles on this topic.
Final insight: Be careful not to flood New Dog with a training regimen or stimuli the moment he arrives at your home. Giving a pet time to decompress is vital during its adjustment period. You have a lifetime ahead of you to smother them in kisses, go on excursions, and introduce them to your friends. Take it slow. If you think you are overwhelmed, imagine how they feel — at least you know what’s going on.
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Visit my website, Pet Therapy Notes, for resources and more insights on pet love and loss.
Other Essays:
Adopting After Loss:
Rehoming a Pet:
Strained Relationships:
This Isn’t What I Signed Up For: Navigating Emotional and Behavioral Challenges In Pet Relationships
Loss:
Other:
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