Write to keep your pet's memory alive.
Write to remember.
​Write to sort shit out in your head.
Most of all, just write.
(If you're into that kind of thing...fine print in text.)


For inspiration, at the bottom of this page, you will find writing prompts. First, a few words from me on the writing process - not interested? No worries, attention spans are short, so scroll to the end to get started.

As a lifelong journaler, when Tovi was critically ill in the Pet ER, I wrote him daily letters that were placed in a ziplock bag hanging from his kennel. I told him how much I loved him, reminded him of all the good times we shared, and what I hoped for our future. I begged him to pull through. I was in the bargaining stage before he was even gone. My wishing and bargaining weren't powerful enough to change destiny, but the practice of writing changed me. It kept me connected to him even after he was gone.

 

Writing is a tool that helps me process my grief, but there is no one way of processing loss. If the pen-to-paper thing doesn't sit right with you, move on. What works for me may not work for you. I share what I know. 

My relationship with Tovi didn't end when he died; it just changed shape. The love we share with our beloved pet forever changes us. ​We can never go back to who we were Before.

But here's the thing. While I'll never forget the feelings my Tovi evoked in me, many years later, the memories have lost their clarity. Over time, I found his quirks and idiosyncrasies reverted to this dormant place in my mind, only awakened when I recognized the experience in another scene- like the time the sound of a dog whining triggered me to remember how he cried in excitement every time we approached a trail.  When the wound was fresh, I would never have thought this possible, but time has proven me wrong.

 

So, I write to preserve the relationship.

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I also write to give the heavy emotions a soft place to land outside of my head.

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This style of writing is designed to be messy, unfiltered, and unedited.  It can be as simple as jotting random notes in no particular order on a piece of scrap paper, or as involved as writing a book (term used loosely). In between can lie standalone essays to capture moments in time, an obituary, a letter (or series of letters) to your pet, captions beside photos in a scrapbook -whatever speaks to you.

 

Just write.

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Start by grabbing a journal, a notebook, or the back of a Target receipt, or open a Word document and write about whatever comes to mind. 

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Your words are for YOU, so don't get stuck on formality.

Write while the memories are fresh in your mind. If you want to turn it into something more formal, there is plenty of time to edit and expand later.
 

This is a different type of writing than I'm used to. ​The "professional" writer in me made the mistake of spending too much time pausing to polish my work, and the longer I waited to get it all out, the harder it became to find the nuances in the memories. I had to learn that this brand of writing is about the process, not the final product. So, rest assured, no experience necessary.

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A lack of experience may actually work in your favor.

Here's the thing to remember (so, so, so important): At first, you may only have the emotional capacity to jot down a few memories in short increments of time. When the memories feel too heavy, returning to your writing days or even weeks later is not only normal but can be necessary.

Understand that you may not yet be in a place to travel down memory lane, and that’s okay. Perhaps the loss is too raw. By forcing yourself to remember — to go there — you risk re-traumatizing yourself. Also, know that what feels comfortable to you can shift at any time - our emotional strength to remember varies.

You want the writing to evoke the feelings you experienced in the relationship - from the joy, the heartbreak, and every ordinary moment in between. If you start and it doesn't feel good or safe, HARD stop there. Maybe just for now, maybe forever. Listen to what your body is telling you. 

While you're writing, I recommend you monitor yourself as if you are a parent watching a child. It's expected to feel sad while writing, but keep an eye on the intensity and know when to take a break. Be so gentle with yourself - at any time, remembering can feel like the most beautiful experience, or the most painful. And that same memory can evoke different responses at any given time in your process. The same memory can evoke tears one day and a smile another.

Consider setting a timer to check in with yourself at regular intervals. Keep a list of decompressing activities you can do when coming down from that hard emotional place. Things like coloring pages in an adult coloring book, knitting, taking a walk, listening to podcasts/music, watching a light television show, reading... fill in your blank.

Before you start, be prepared with a list of "things" that comfort you.

Most importantly, be compassionate with yourself throughout the writing process.

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Check out Writing About My Dead Dog Is Too Painful — Even So, I Keep Trying for additional writing safety.


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The Questions...

How did you acquire your pet?
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What was your “Gotcha Day” like?
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Describe your relationship - Was it love at first sight? Complicated? Challenging?  Did you experience any struggles in the beginning, or did your pet slide right into the fabric of your life?

What are some of your earliest memories of your pet?
 
What was going on in your life when your pet came into it?
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What life events did your pet witness? (marriage, divorce, kids, move, family death, etc). What memories does your pet hold?

Are there any people you would not have met but for your pet?

Have you and your pet traveled together? 

What is your best memory? What is your worst? 

What event(s) wouldn’t you have gotten through without your pet's support?

How did your relationship change over the years?

Do you have any regrets or wish for moments of “do-overs?” 

What emotion(s) did your pet evoke in you? 

What do you miss the most about your pet? 

How did losing your pet impact your life?

What lessons did your pet teach you?

Imagine what your pet would say to comfort you during your grief.

Write a letter to your pet updating them on your After.

If you had the opportunity, how did you say goodbye?


The Lighter Side
 
What were some of your pet’s unique quirks?
 
Did your pet have a nickname?
 
What was your pet's favorite toy?
 
Did your pet make any distinctive noises (snore, purr, whimper, talk in their sleep, etc)?
 
What was your favorite activity to do together?
 
Was your pet friends with any other animals? What were some of those relationships like?
 
What were some of your pet’s favorite foods?
 
Where was your pet's favorite place to sleep?
 
What were some of your pet’s special toys?


If you have a prompt to add or would like to share your TAIL, I would be honored to read it.
 
PetTherapyNotes@gmail.com


**If writing isn't your thing (or if it is and you want more ideas), you will also find a Show Your Story page that features creative strategies for processing loss and memorializing your pet.