Guilt & Regret In Pet Loss: Try to Make Peace With What Happened. Or At Least Stop Beating Yourself Up.
- Liz Weiner
- Jan 28
- 5 min read
Updated: Sep 23
When it comes to pet loss, pet parents often have to make hard decisions on behalf of their pets. It’s a heavy weight to carry, and it can get messy — really messy — with a lot of editing as if what happened is some sort of a draft we can rewrite.
Decisions are hard to make in the first place, and after we see an outcome we don’t like, they become more painful as we glorify the option we didn't choose. But the thing is, regardless of the treatment path you chose, you’re likely going to second-guess your decision when your pet is gone. After a loss — especially one that was medically complicated — it is common to experience grief as anger toward ourselves, as we are convinced that if only we had chosen a different treatment option, our pet would still be here. As humans, we have this incredible ability to concoct stories with happier endings. But keep in mind that there is no guarantee that ghost path would have resulted in a better outcome.
I lived in this space for too long. My dog died from complications of a surgery to remove a cancerous mass. It wasn’t instantly on the table, though— he suffered a stroke during surgery and subsequently developed a severe case of Pancreatitis. When he ultimately died after spending weeks in a hospital where I put him through various procedures and treatments in hopes of saving his life, I was so angry at myself for making what I thought were the “wrong” decisions — for putting him through a surgery that his body couldn’t handle, and then continuing to put him through additional procedures that only prolonged the end and left him with no quality of life. I punished myself as if I had meant to harm him. As if I had spent thousands of dollars to lose him.
The simple truth is that I made decisions with the best of intentions, based on the headspace I was in at the time (a spiraling mess), and they didn’t work out as planned. And had I peacefully euthanized him after the surgery, I’d be fixated on what would have happened had I opted to treat him. You can’t win this game — do not even start playing.
I started playing, though, and became so focused on the circumstances of how he died that I got stuck there. Losing a beloved pet is not pleasant, but by punishing myself for what were good intentions, I was avoiding the real work of accepting that he was gone. I was laser-focused on auditing the messy ending rather than remembering the beautiful life we shared, and my memories were tainted in the process. I would look at a photo of him, and instead of fondly remembering the beautiful day we spent hiking in the woods, I would feel an intense anger toward myself at how he died. I was so consumed with guilt that even recalling happy memories no longer evoked happiness in me. For a long time, I let the last chapter define our entire relationship, when in reality, it was only a part of our story — a very short part of the eleven years we spent together.
Don’t get me wrong, it is okay (and healthy) to feel anger, guilt, regret, sad, simply gutted…fill in your blank. You loved so much; of course, you feel so much, and all emotions are valid and should be experienced. Something went wrong — either subjectively or objectively — so it is understandable to have big feelings toward the situation. But, be careful not to become overly attached to one emotion and let it dominate your experience. Especially when that one emotion is guilt.
Pause the spiral for a moment to ask yourself if the guilt is truly warranted. It’s appropriate to feel guilty if you perceive that you did something wrong — I won’t ever take that away from you. However, there should be a warning label indicating that the headspace you experience after a loss is not to be trusted. We are so vulnerable when we are grieving — try to keep perspective and challenge the assumptions running on replay in your head. There is a phenomenon called “inappropriate guilt,” which occurs when the guilt we feel is excessive and disproportionate to the actual event. Might this be what you’re experiencing? Being in a state of grief is like being intoxicated; the chemistry of our brain is altered, and we don’t always interpret things through a clear lens. That is why it is so important to talk to others — therapy, support groups, or simply a trusted friend — to hear the perspective you aren't able to offer yourself right now. Our heads can be a dangerous place to live alone.
You may be asking, “This is all well and good, but it was my fault. An accident happened, and I should have been able to prevent it.”
I talk about traumatic loss and shame more in depth in another essay. Please take comfort in the fact that your intentions were never to harm your loved one. It is intention that causes harm. Unforeseen accidents happen —all of the time. Offer yourself the compassion and love you would give someone else in your circumstances.
Your present self will look back and audit every decision you made, but remember:
You did what you thought was best at the time with the information you had.
You made those decisions from the mental space you were in then.
You have no evidence that an alternative action would have resulted in a different outcome.
You don’t have to like what happened, but you must make peace with it. Give yourself the compassion you would give something else.
Caveat: There is no timeline for this one — you can’t will yourself into acceptance, but know that it’s too heavy of a load to carry forever (and your pet would not want you to). Just plant this seed in the back of your mind — it may not grow for a long time, but plant it.
Forgive yourself for any perceived misgivings or mistakes — you never set out to harm your pet.
Sending hugs from Baltimore… Liz
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Visit my website, Pet Therapy Notes, for resources and more insights on pet love and loss.
Related Essays:
Adopting After Loss:
Giving Up A Pet:
Strained Relationships:
This Isn’t What I Signed Up For: Navigating Emotional and Behavioral Challenges In Pet Relationships
Loss:
Writing Your Pet's TAIL:
Other:
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