Your house is quiet, you are profoundly lonely, and the void of meows, barks, and pitter-patter of feet is unbearable. It’s common to feel guilt at the thought of welcoming love again. But when?​

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People often ask my opinion on when to bring a new pet into their lives after losing their beloved companion. The answer: It depends…on many things. ​​The healing process and readiness to invite love in again vary for everyone. While we can universally relate to shared feelings and experiences, walking through grief is ultimately an individual experience, and it is as unique as we are. 

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But if you ask my opinion,  the most important question we can ask ourselves is this:

“Are you emotionally available to get into a new relationship?”

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I believe being ready means understanding that welcoming a new pet into your life is not a betrayal of your beloved pet, and in no way diminishes the love you feel for your previous pet. The brain on grief can sometimes feel like being intoxicated and cloud our judgment. I often hear people talk about feeling a sense of “disloyalty” to their previous pet when even considering bringing a new pet into their lives. I understand why it can feel that way, but that’s a lie grief tells us. But know that one relationship does not diminish the other — they are completely separate entities. The truth is, we never “get over” a loss, nor should we. Our pet’s life and love forever changed us — we just carry them differently now. You will always deeply love and miss your beloved pet, AND you feel ready to open yourself up to love again. These statements can co-exist.

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I believe being ready means knowing that every time we fall in love, it’s a different experience. There is no such thing as a “replacement,” because attachments cannot be transferred. You must go into your relationship knowing that New Pet will not be a carbon copy of Previous Pet. If you don’t, you will not have a strong foundation to build on. Trust me — I did it, and it severely complicated our bonding process. I went through all the motions of being a loving dog mom, but I was so preoccupied with trying to mold my New Dog (Millie) into a dog she was never meant to be that I never just relaxed into our relationship — I thought that if I worked with her enough, I could transform her into a carbon copy of my Previous Dog. And the more I focused on their differences, the more I resented her. I wanted her to do all of the things my Previous Dog did, so I kept putting her in situations that only triggered her, and then, if there was an incident, it would trigger me to resent her even more for not being the type of dog who enjoyed “fill in the blank activity.” It wasn’t until I accepted and respected her boundaries that an authentic relationship began. And although I loved her, I never loved her with the same intensity I felt for my previous dog. And that is ok. I can't say this enough: Every time we fall in love, it’s a different experience, not meant to be duplicated. This was a simultaneously beautiful and heartbreaking reality I had to come to terms with. 

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I believe readiness is recognizing where you are emotionally and what you realistically have to give. My brain on grief naively assumed another dog would heal my pain, and I was in so much pain, and I was desperate for some sort of sedative (in the form of another dog) to take it away. It wasnt fair of me to put that burden on her. In this case, my grief only became more complicated because I didn’t have anything to give — my emotional bank was drained. This interfered with my ability to form a genuine bond. Still, we made it work, but there were many bumps along the way that could have been avoided had I gone into this new relationship more thoughtfully and been open to a brand-new connection.

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Please don’t misunderstand. Sometimes, bringing another pet into your life soon after losing your beloved is an incredible experience. The process is as unique as we are, and then add in things like the strength of your bond with your previous pet, or how well you and your New Pet click. I often wonder how different my experience would have been if I had a less behaviorally challenging dog. When Millie died, I adopted another dog a few weeks later, and he brought me a familiar comfort I never found with Millie. Again, the way we grieve is heavily colored by the relationship. 

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If you feel that you are ready sooner than you think you “should” be, don’t judge that. You know yourself better than anyone else. Just make sure you are aware of your intentions for welcoming a new pet into your life, and check your expectations. Understand that a new pet will not bring with it the familiar connection you shared with your previous pet that you long for. This is not going to be a sequel — it will be an entirely new movie. 

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Also know that your readiness might shift from day to day, so avoid acting on impulse and getting into a “rebound” relationship. It’s a thing that happens. A lot. Again, grief colors our judgment, so do your best to be mindful of this and act with intention. But in the end, we can never go into anything 100% sure, and sometimes if it is something we want even a little more than we don’t, we need to take that chance. 

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​Lastly, have patience as you get to know each other. Over the time you shared with your beloved pet, you got to know every little thing about them — now, you are starting from scratch, and a new relationship has to be built. You just met. You haven’t learned your new partner’s “stuff” yet, and they haven’t learned yours. This can be especially frustrating when you think back to your previous pet that fit like a glove, and this new glove feels three times too small, with a lot of holes. Have compassion for yourself, and also for your new pet. There is a sense of mourning when you begin a new relationship that isn't turning out to be what you expected. This is a normal stage of developing a new relationship. If you are encountering bumps along the road, check out my relationship advice. 

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