While this site is primarily focused on grief following pet loss, it also addresses grief related to not having the relationship you anticipated with your pet and helping you to embrace life with the one you have. When we don't have that immediate connection, we may feel a sense of disappointment - maybe even heartbreak - as we mourn the loss of the bond we expected to share. This is a real struggle for many pet owners, as we tend to see perfectly behaved pets portrayed on television. I liken it to the media’s equivalent of body shaming for humans.

When we encounter issues that put a strain on a pet-human bond, we often feel alone because discussing them can feel taboo.  ​I never expected not to bond with Millie, the dog I adopted after my soul dog died. I would have never even thought this could be a thing. Because I hadn't ever heard anyone openly talk about a complicated relationship with a pet before, my secret made me feel like a terrible human. But when I took a deep dive into the world of dog behavior, I learned this was a thing, and there was support.
 

You’re not a terrible person if you aren’t madly in love with your pet. The truth is, relationships are complicated, no matter what the species, and they can take time to build. Imagine curating the perfect mental checklists of what you desire in a partner, only to find out you're having an arranged marriage. Sometimes we get lucky, and that chemistry sparks right away. Other times, love is a slow build, getting to know each other and accepting each other's "stuff." Like any relationship, with patience and in time, we work on it, check our expectations, and grow together. And sometimes, in extreme cases, no matter how hard you try to make it work, there are irreconcilable differences, and parting ways is the kindest decision for all. 

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For five years, I tried to mold Millie, a fearful dog by nature (often showing up as aggression, which mortified me), into a doppelganger of the dog I previously shared life with. But she was never meant to be That Dog, and the more I fought it, the more I resented her. Don't get me wrong - training, behaviorists, psychotropic medication, and therapy (for me) all helped, but baseline, she was who she was, and there was no magic formula to change that. At some point, I had to accept that she would never be the type of dog that I could bring around children or sit underneath an outdoor table while sharing a meal with friends.

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It took a long time and a lot of unnecessary struggle before I made peace with the fact that I would never love Millie the same way I loved the dog before her. That Millie couldn't be trained into a dog that checked all of my boxes. Still, from the day I adopted her, I poured every ounce of myself into her well-being, and I can confidently say that she lived her best life with me. As for me, I won't sugarcoat it into a fairytale ending - life with her was heavy, and my mental health suffered, but there were also things about her that brought me so much joy. I took comfort in the realization that every time we fall in love, it's a different experience. With those ten words, I began to let go of the image of the relationship I thought I would have and started living in the relationship I was in.
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Let's talk about this. Speaking the truth is the only thing that frees us. Not madly in love? Tell me about it. No, for real - share your story on this site. There is no shame here. The fact that you are working through it shows what a loving pet owner you are.

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