Often, when a pet is struggling, so is their person.

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There is a distinct type of grief that comes with not having the idyllic relationship you assumed would come with pet ownership. When you don’t feel that “connection,” it’s normal to feel a sense of disappointment and mourning for what you expected pet parenting to look like.
 

This is a real thing for many pet owners, and it’s only reinforced when we see only perfectly behaved, adorable pets portrayed in popular media. I liken it to body shaming for humans, and it’s a setup for disappointment. It’s no wonder we bring New Pet home and assume they will seamlessly blend into the fabric of our lives — we haven’t seen anything else, and this is not how it works 99% of the time, yet that is what we see. Trust me –friction with even the pets we love most dearly is a thing and there is a massive training industry built on improving relationships.

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Let me be the first to tell you: You are not a terrible person if you aren’t madly in love with your pet. You might be surprised to hear this is actually an appropriate response to entering a new relationship or to being in a rocky long-term relationship. Sure, sometimes we get lucky, and that chemistry sparks right away. But more often than not, love is a slow build of getting to know each other and accepting each other’s “stuff.”

Here’s the thing we need to remember: Relationships are complicated — regardless of the species — and they take time to develop. Imagine curating the perfect mental checklists of what you desire in a partner, only to find out you’re having an arranged marriage. You and your pet literally just met, and here you are, bypassing the "getting-to-know-you" period and moving in together . There will be baggage from both parties to sort through. Expectations to check. Trust to be developed. Patience to be had. You may have moved right in, but you still need to build the relationship, and that might mean working backwards.

Do your best to lean into the awkward and uncomfortable period and know it’s temporary. By entering a relationship aware of these factors, you will be better prepared to cope and, hopefully, prevent a total meltdown at the first sign of friction.

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So here you are. You imagined pet ownership would be a magical experience, so you can’t understand why you find yourself frustrated and maybe even regretful. You’re begging some imaginary power to rewind time and return you to the life before you lived before becoming responsible for this creature you honestly don’t like right now. But since rewinding time isn’t a thing, take a really deep breath and give yourself some compassion. For starters, life as you know it has just been turned upside down. Your entire routine is changed, as you are now responsible for an animal that depends on you for all its needs. Then, stack on annoyances like chewing your furniture, tearing up your favorite pair of shoes, potty accidents, growling at your husband, constant barking, and bracing for dear life as they nearly pull you down as they take off to chase a squirrel….It’s exhausting and not what you thought you signed up for.

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Then take another deep breath and recognize that you are not the only one feeling overwhelmed (and, at least, you know what’s going on). Think of it from your pet’s point of view: They may have lived in several previous homes, and during the “unknown-to-us” periods of their lives, may have developed ingrained habits and tendencies shaped by their experiences. Maybe they then landed in a shelter, got adopted and returned, or went to a foster home. And now, yet again, they’re suddenly thrust into another life with brand new strangers. When you look at it from their perspective, it makes sense that they are hiding from you or that their separation anxiety is manifested by destroying your home. If I were tossed around like that, I probably wouldn’t be presenting as my best self either.

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If you’re feeling defeated, I’m here to assure you that things can improve. I liken training to couples counseling: all parties need to work on their stuff, and that includes the human learning how to be a pet parent. We need to remember that, like children, puppies come into our lives knowing nothing about how to be in the world, and adult animals may have learned the wrong way to be in the world. Like any loving parent, it’s up to us to give them the time and space to decompress by cultivating an environment where they feel safe enough to grow into themselves. Have compassion and patience, and know that how a pet behaves in a new environment is not indicative of who they are or who they can be. It takes time, energy, and sometimes tears to learn how to do life together. Don’t give up before you get to the best part.

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It is important to note that no amount of training will turn your pet into one that checks all of your imaginary boxes — especially when it comes to the deep-rooted temperamental level stuff. While training is a tool to help animals reach their best selves, just like us, they may always carry a certain degree of inherent baggage. A fearful dog may gain confidence through the work she is doing to feel safer in the world, but the reality is that she may never be able to calmly sit underneath an outdoor table while you’re sharing a meal with friends — and there can be a certain level of heartbreak to that realization when that is what you envisioned life with your dog to look like. But, when we adjust our expectations and accept our pet for who they are, it can lessen the resentment we feel for them not being the pet we want them to be. This is the foundation of a healthy relationship.

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With that said, I won’t sugarcoat it. Sometimes, even after doing your best, irreconcilable differences remain, and no amount of behavioral modification will change that. While symptoms can improve, animals have temperaments that cannot be trained out of them and sometimes it's just a mismatch. A cat that is terrified of loud noises and quick movements probably won’t do well in a home with three boisterous children under the age of five. That cat may, however, thrive in a calm household. Or a dog who, despite working with behaviorists, psychiatric medication, and a laundry list of supplements, still poses too great a safety risk to its people. If you’re feeling stuck in your relationship, I recommend consulting with a professional who can assess your situation and provide guidance (resources below ).

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The only way we will obliterate the taboo-ness around challenging relationships is to talk about them. Own your truth. This is a thing, there is support, and there is no shame in seeking it out — it only speaks to what a caring and dedicated pet parent you are.

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