Sometimes We Need Counseling for Pet/Human Relationships - When It's Not Love at First Bark

Liz Weiner
Oct 26
5 min read

Updated: Oct 27

There is a distinct type of grief that comes with not having the idyllic relationship you assumed would come with pet ownership. When you don’t feel that “connection,” it’s normal to feel a sense of disappointment and mourning for what you expected pet parenting to look like.

This is a real struggle for many pet owners, and it’s only reinforced when we see only perfectly behaved, adorable pets portrayed in popular media. I liken it to body shaming for humans, and it’s a setup for disappointment. It’s no wonder we bring New Pet home and assume they will seamlessly blend into the fabric of our lives — we haven’t seen anything else. This is why it is so, so, so important to enter pet ownership with an awareness of this bias. By simply being aware of it, you will be better prepared to cope and hopefully prevent a total meltdown at the first sign of friction in the relationship.

Let me be the first to tell you: You are not a terrible person if you aren’t madly in love with your pet. You might be surprised to hear this is actually an appropriate response to entering a new relationship or to being in a rocky long-term relationship. Sure, sometimes we get lucky, and that chemistry sparks right away. But more often than not, love is a slow build of getting to know each other and accepting each other’s “stuff.”

The thing is, relationships are complicated, regardless of the species, and they take time to develop. Imagine curating the perfect mental checklists of what you desire in a partner, only to find out you’re having an arranged marriage. You and your pet literally just met, and here you are, bypassing the getting-to-know-you period and moving in together — with all of your baggage. In any other scenario, this would not be considered the healthiest start to a long-term relationship. Of course, there will be challenges.

So here you are. You imagined pet ownership would be a magical experience, so you can’t understand why you find yourself frustrated and maybe even regretful. You’re begging some imaginary power to rewind time and return you to the life before you lived before becoming responsible for this creature you honestly don’t like right now. But since rewinding time isn't a thing, take a really deep breath and give yourself some compassion.

For starters, life as you know it has just been turned upside down. Your entire routine is changed, as you are now responsible for an animal that depends on you for all its needs. Then, stack on annoyances like chewing your furniture, shredding your favorite pair of shoes, potty accidents, and constant barking. It’s exhausting and not what you thought you signed up for.

Then take another deep breath and recognize that you are not the only one feeling overwhelmed (and, at least, you know what’s going on). Think of it from your pet’s point of view: They may have lived in several previous homes, and during the “unknown-to-us” periods of their lives, may have developed ingrained habits and tendencies shaped by their experiences. Maybe they then landed in a shelter, got adopted and returned, or went to a foster home. And now, yet again, they’re suddenly thrust into another life with brand new strangers. When you look at it from their perspective, it makes sense that they are hiding from you or that their separation anxiety is manifested by destroying your home. If I were tossed around like that, I probably wouldn’t be presenting as my best self either.

If you’re feeling defeated, I’m here to assure you that things can improve. I liken training to couples counseling: all parties need to work on their stuff, and that includes the human learning how to be a pet parent. We need to remember that, like children, puppies come into our lives knowing nothing about how to be in the world, and adult animals may have learned the wrong way to be in the world. Like any loving parent, it’s up to us to give them the time and space to decompress by cultivating an environment where they feel safe enough to grow into themselves. Have compassion and patience, and know that how a pet behaves in a new environment is not indicative of who they are or who they can be.

Don’t get me wrong — No amount of training will turn your pet into one that checks all of your imaginary boxes. The hard truth is, a fearful dog may never be able to sit underneath an outdoor table while you’re sharing a meal with friends (this was a crushing reality for me when my vision of being a pet mom included bringing my dog, Millie, to social events). Just like us, they will always have their temperamental baggage, but when we adjust our expectations and accept our pet for who they are, it can lessen the resentment we feel for them not being the pet we want them to be. This is the foundation of a healthy relationship.

With that said, I won’t sugarcoat it. Sometimes, even after giving it your best try, there are irreconcilable differences. A cat that is terrified of loud noises and quick movements probably won’t do well in a home with three boisterous children under the age of five. Or maybe a dog is aggressive, and despite the gains they have made, it’s not a safe situation. We should not have to live in fear just because some people preach that “pets-are-for-life-do- anything-to-make-it-work” mentality. You shouldn’t be shamed for that. While symptoms can improve, animals have temperaments that we cannot just train out of them. If you’re feeling stuck in your relationship, I recommend consulting with a professional who can assess your situation and provide guidance (resources here).

I’ll leave you with this: For better or worse, every time we fall in love, it’s a different experience. For a long time, I was ashamed to admit that I didn’t love Millie the way I had loved dogs who came before her. I went through all the motions of being a loving dog mom, but I was so preoccupied with trying to mold Millie into a dog she was never meant to be that I never just relaxed into our relationship. I continued to put her in social situations that only triggered her, and then, if there was an incident, would trigger me. It wasn’t until I accepted and respected Millie’s boundaries that an authentic relationship began. It pains me to look back on how much time we lost before I understood this.

The only way we will obliterate the taboo-ness around challenging relationships is to talk about them. Own your truth. This is a thing, there is support, and there is no shame in seeking it out — it only speaks to what a caring and dedicated pet parent you are. If I were to do it all again, knowing what I know now, my relationship with Millie could have been so different. I hope by reading this, yours might be. relationship with Millie could have been so different. I hope by reading this, yours might be.

Visit my website, Pet Therapy Notes, for resources and more insights on pet love and loss.